Zoe Grace: Peace.

Today was a very humbling day for Andrew and I.  We snuck into the back of another wards' sacrament meeting to partake of the sacrament and reflect on our family... on our girls.  Every night, I leave the hospital feeling so beaten down and then I return in the morning with more optimism.  But today was different.  I still felt somber and discouraged.  

Shortly after we arrived at the hospital and we met with Dr. Metrick.  She explained that Zoe is showing signs of seizure activity on the right side. Considering her seizures were on the left side when she had her stroke 2 months ago, this could mean that she has injured her brain on both sides. They gave her Ativan at about 11:30am and are restarted Phenobarbital for the seizures.  Dr. Metrick said that it is possible that the minimal movement we have been seeing has been seizures or reflexes. She is getting a 24 hour EEG to monitor any further seizure activity and also looking for any improvement in the brain since her last EEG.

After speaking with Dr. Metrick, we met with the Intensivist for the floor, Dr. Champion.  She was very kind and compassionate, wanting to know how we were feeling and if we had any questions.  She said she would advocate for us as parents and our confusion with both Neurology and Cardiology, as we expressed that both teams have different opinions and plans.  When I asked if there was any possibility for her to come out of all this, she said that if Zoe does indeed fight through this coma, she will not be the same Zoe that we know and love.  

Pieces of our hearts were taken today.  We wept over our sweet girl and in each others arms almost the entire day.  After many tears, Andrew and I discussed the reality of Zoe's condition.  We are both beginning to grasp the idea that Zoe's journey might be coming to an end.  She has fought a good fight, shown us that miracles do come true and strengthened us in ways we never knew possible.  No matter the outcome, we want peace for baby Zoe.   Not only peace for her body, but peace for her heart, spirit and soul.  If she is meant to stay here with us in this life, we will cherish each and every moment.  But, if it is her time... we will have faith and accept that it is in God's hands.  

{tender moments}

{Nana Brendi and Papa Tom flew in this evening.  We are so grateful for their love and support}

{Big sister Londyn}

Compared to previous hospital stays, Londyn is now very attached to her baby Zoe.  A few days ago, Londyn was walking around the house, yelling "Zoe.... Zoe!  Zooooooe!"  I told her that Zoe was at the hospital and she said "I am ready for Zoe to come back home now."  When seeing Zoe during the last few visits at the hospital, Londyn has gotten excited and said "Zoe's eyes are open!  She's looking at me!"  Tonight we were snuggling her in our bed and I told her that I had missed her.  She said "I miss you too... and dad... and Zoe."  It breaks my heart to know and hear how much Londyn loves and misses her sister.  

We continue to pray... not for a miracle, but for peace.  Peace for Zoe.  Peace for our family.  And peace for our aching hearts.  Regardless of what peace means for us... we ask for peace and only peace.