I have been feeling weak over the last few days... not physically, but emotionally. It feels as though the world is spinning around me, the seasons are changing and lives are going on without her. I want so badly to press pause and feel all the sadness at once, rather than gradually here and there. I know that this progression is inevitable but I feel like we are leaving her behind. I have already forgotten her smell and just long to feel her lay on my chest one more time.
Feeling joy is not difficult because I have another beautiful little girl and a loving husband with me every day... but sometimes I just need to feel sad. Sometimes I want to feel sad because it's the only way I can feel close to her and remember her. She's always in the back of my mind, but I often feel guilty for not thinking about her constantly. I have yet to discover how to remember her and move forward at the same time.
This past week I have been considering my options to fulfill some of my own personal goals now that I have so much more time on my hands. In researching these opportunities, I have felt excitement for something new and different... which is then followed by fear for change. I have always been anxious about change and commitment. Both of those words absolutely terrify me. I suppose that after surviving somewhat of a change and commitment boot camp this past year, I should be armed and ready for anything and everything. But it is different when it is about me and not my husband or children. I overanalyze and worry that it is too soon to be making changes or that I should be focusing on other things. I worry that change will distance me from my memories of Zoe. I am still undecided and will have to depend on prayer and my husband to know what the best decision is for our family.
I was missing Zoe a lot yesterday and Londyn told me, "we can watch a show and snuggle, Mom. That make you feel better maybe?" She was right. Snuggling with her and hearing her laugh was the best medicine. Later after Andrew came home from work, we still needed to to visit Zoe at the cemetery as we have been doing every Sunday. I was going to go earlier but just couldn't without him. I went in to help Londyn get dressed and she broke down and started crying. In between tears and sniffles, she repeated "I miss Zoe! I want my sister!" Andrew and I just held her.
While visiting Zoe in the dark at 7:30pm at night, my emotions were so raw. I found myself crying uncontrollably at her grave, asking Andrew why she had to go. He softly said, "You know why." That is the most painful part and beautiful all at the same time. I do know why. I do know that it was her time and that she is where she is supposed to be. I know that we made the right decision. I know that she is at peace now and that she is with our Father in Heaven. But none of that knowing makes it any easier.
Facebook Status after returning home:
After a 12 hour work day plus about 80 minutes of commuting on about 5 hours of sleep... Andrew still manages to be Mr. Amazing. He held me while I was a puddle of tears after visiting Zoe's grave and is now playing "Londyn's Restaurant" with a very happy little 3 year old. I am blessed.
We miss her so much... but she is all around us. I feel her in the goodness and peace that is in our home every day. I see her in the sunny blue skies and the peace I feel when I sit on the bench in front of the large maple tree behind her grave. I see her in Londyn's laugh and kind heart. I feel her love in my husbands embrace.
One day at a time... and sometimes, just 5 minutes at a time.