4.29.2013

Wise Beyond Her Years

Just breathe...

I cannot go to bed without sharing the following...

I just spent the past hour trying to comfort my three year old who was crying hysterically and could not be consoled.  It all began when she fell asleep at my parent's house and then in the car on the way home.  I tried to carry her in and although she wasn't making any sense, I attributed her crabby pants attitude to her being overly tired.  She didn't want to put jammies on.  Okay.  Then she wanted jammies on.  SCREAM.  YELL.  SCREAM.  She wanted to snuggle.  Okay... Then she didn't want to do anything at all.  SCREAM.  YELL.  That's how this night was going.  I finally got her into bed and she started bawling.  She repeated the following over and over again, in between wails and tears... "I miss Zoe!  I want her to come back.  Why did she leave us?  She didn't want to leave us mom.  Her heart was too broken and the doctors tried and tried to put it back together, but they couldn't.  We all go to sleep but Zoe doesn't sleep with us anymore.  We have to sleep without her.  She left all of her toys and stuff here.  She even left her crib!  I want her home with us.  She was always at the hospital.  Why couldn't she be at home with us more?  Why did she have to leave?  Why couldn't the doctors fix her broken heart?  Her heart was just too broken and sick.  I miss my sister.".... and so much more.  She was also fixated on a book that she couldn't find and she was afraid she would forget about the book and forget about Zoe.  It took the longest time to figure out what book she was talking about.  It turns out, she wanted to read the book "Gracie" a story about a little girl who lost her sister to a heart related condition.  I hadn't read it to Londyn since right after Zoe died.  It was such a special book gifted to us and it was getting torn, so I decided to put it up until Londyn got a little older.  Surprisingly, reading that book was the only way to calm Londyn down.

Sometimes I forget how much Londyn has been through in the past year and a half.  She has seen so much that most three year olds don't ever experience.  She is grieving just as much as Andrew and I are.  Most think that she is too young to be affected or to remember her sister.  But she remembers every detail that she possibly can about Zoe.  In fact, I was looking up at her while we were snuggling in her bed and I caught a glimpse of Zoe in her face.  I know Zoe is with her sister and gives her comfort when it's needed, but tonight's meltdown was a first for me.  I had never seen Londyn so emotional about her sister.  Her thoughts were so mature and so wise for her age.  I held back countless tears as my little girl poured out her heart, fears and pain.  Eventually I stopped trying to comfort her with my words and just held onto her tightly with tears flowing.  It hit me that she is grieving in her own way and I can't fix it.  I can't bring her sister back.  I can't make promises that i cannot keep.  But I can be her mother.  I can hold her when she cries.  I can listen and listen some more.  Londyn is my light and joy.  Seeing her in pain and grieving the loss of her baby sister is heartbreaking all over again....


3 comments:

Cade and Kelsie said...

What an amazing little girl! What a great big sister! Hugs! Sometimes life is just not fair!

Johnathan said...

WoW! Truly words and questions one wouldn't expect to hear from a 3 (almost 4) year old. We think you did the best thing possible. Hold her, read to her and love her. None of us know exactly what is going on inside. It is clear though that Londyn loves Zoe. Great job of getting to the reason for the tears and even more for loving her enough and taking the time to hear her words, read and snuggle. Those things can be the biggest things for the lil' ones. HUGS to you and your family.

dajmommy said...

It's almost too much to imagine that kids can grieve so deeply, too. I am so sorry for all of you. What a heartbreak. You are all so strong. What an amazing mommy you are, too. Just hold on and love that precious girl of yours. God heals, in time.