Beautiful Heartbreak

My Dearest Zoe Grace,

Today is your 1st birthday and I can remember exactly what I was doing at this very moment, one year ago. I was snuggling your big sister as she slept because I knew in just a few short hours, our lives were forever going to be changed.

We checked into the hospital at 5:30am and got settled into our room.  They took us to the operating room at about 7am and we anxiously awaited your arrival.  I was terrified and held your Daddy's hand so tight.  I remember praying over and over again for strength and courage.  After you were born, you cried and it was the most beautiful sound.  Your cries were sounds of hope and life.  Daddy was so proud and I could tell in his eyes that he loved you from that very first moment.  After the team of nurses and doctors finished their testing and exam, I was able to hold you for a brief moment.  It was so terribly hard to believe that anything could be wrong with such a perfect little being.  That memory will always stay etched in my heart.  I held you and knew that you were a gift from God.  There was no doubt that He chose me to be your mother and that although it was going to be a rough road, I felt honored to be chosen.

A year ago today, you changed my life.  You gave me knowledge of truths that I wouldn't have received otherwise.  You showed me what this life is all about and why I am here.  You taught me about the Atonement and eternal families.  But I miss you.  I miss you so much Zoe.  Your Daddy and sister miss you.  We are trying though.  We are trying to find a way to be happy without you.  We are trying to be happy without you and be okay with that.  It isn't easy and we struggle daily, but I know that we can't be with you again if we don't learn these lessons now.

We had 142 beautifully heartbreaking days with you.  I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven for each of those days and for entrusting me with such a noble task.  Thank you for teaching, inspiring, loving and enduring all that you did for us.  

Happy 1st Birthday sweet girl.  You will always be in my heart.  



Cade and Kelsie said...

Beautifully said! What a special little angel! I hope you felt her close! Hugs!

NieleGirl said...

Thank you for sharing sweet Zoe with us and for being such an incredible example of bravery and strength during these most difficult times. May God bless you for your faithfulness and long-suffering. Lots of love to you and your family, Kacie! <3