Breaking the Silence

My blogging days have become a thing of the past because let's be honest, life has happened and that's more important right? Nevertheless, I could use a good therapy sesh with the great blogosphere... so here I am. 

So much has happened since my last update. My parents have been on their mission in Guatemala for 5 months now. They are busy serving The Lord one tooth extraction at a time. Andrew and I will be visiting them next month for 9 days! We will be touring the area, helping in the clinic and experiencing the life of our favorite missionaries. 

Follow their mission adventure at www.guatemolar.blogspot.com

I concluded my second year of business with the Amazing Grace Dancers with a fantastic recital. It was another year of learning and teaching, all with Zoe as my motivation.  

Lulu finished her last year of preschool with Miss Rebecca. She is so ready for kindergarten and I am so not! Where does the time go?!

Our biggest and most exciting news is that I am pregnant with baby #3. I can't believe that I have been pregnant for 24 months of my life so far! We will find out the gender next month, August 21st. Baby is due January 6th, 2015.

I have heard countless times "since Zoe's condition wasn't genetic, there's very little chance it will happen again. Everything is going to be okay." The reality is that I have been the 1 in 110 statistic of carrying a child with a severe heart defect. I know first hand that everything isn't "always going to be okay." 

Pregnancy after child loss adds a whole new level of crazy to the hormones that simultaneously make us glow and bite peoples heads off at the same time. I look back and think "how was I so naive the last two times?" Then there are moments where I wish I was still that naive and not up all night worrying before every appointment, fearing that I won't hear my baby's heartbeat.

About 20 minutes after putting Londyn to bed last night, I heard her crying. When I went to check on her she was looking at the "Dear Lulu" book that I made for her to remember her sister. Through her sobs, she said "I miss Zoe. Why couldn't she stay?" My heart sank. I wasn't prepared for this. It's been a while since Lulu has had a Zoe Day. We read "Dear Lulu," talked about our eternal family and then said a prayer for peace.

This 5 year old continues to long for her baby sister and it is so hard to watch her struggle with grief at such a young age. Does it ever get easier? 

Here is a great read about what it's like to be pregnant after losing a child.