{forever holding our hearts}
It has been two days since Andrew posted the following on Zoe's Facebook page...
"Today we met with Dr. King (pediatric cardiologist) and Dr. Huffman (neurologist). They aren’t feeling as though Zoe will be making a recovery this time. The damage to her brain is too severe to get the Zoe we all know back. She needs heart surgery to survive but her neurological state will not allow the surgeons to operate and she does not qualify for a transplant. We now, as parents, must decide the best option for our beloved daughter and family. We've asked for prayers of peace, we thank you all who have offered those on Zoe’s behalf and ours. We need them now more than ever."
Although we had sensed that this would be the end result, actually hearing it from our doctors was heartbreaking. How do you accept that your daughter's journey here on earth is over? How can you be certain that it is her time to go? I have been asking these questions over and over again in my head. But, what I wasn't doing was asking my Father in Heaven those very same questions. It was my husband who told me to pray about our decision and wait for peace. It has taken prayer and time to know in my heart and soul that Zoe is ready to move on and that although short, her time here with us was significant and meaningful.
She has touched so many lives, including ours with her spirit and fight for life. What pain her body has been through in her 4 1/2 months of life is more than most individuals do in a lifetime. She survived open heart surgery, infection, stroke, numerous pokes and medications. She has shown us miracle upon miracle, from the day she was born. It is an honor to be her mother... to protect and carry her for 9 months... to sit at her bedside day after day in the hospital and care for her for the few short months we were able to have her home. I will cherish my tender memories of rocking her at night, smooching on her delicious cheeks and snuggling her on my chest. I am blessed to have her sealed to me and my family for time and all eternity. I know with every fiber of my being that we will reunite and the next time I see her, she will be without pain and suffering.
Zoe has taught me patience and understanding. She has inspired me to never give up and always fight for what I believe. She has taught me that the most valuable gift in life is family. Our time with her has been precious and sacred, but I can't even begin to explain how much I will miss her. My heart aches every minute of every hour for this little girl. How can I let her go? How can WE let her go? My only comfort is that families can be together forever. We are a forever family.
{When changing the tape on her breathing tube, we got to see her sweet face for the first time in 4 days}
We started explaining to Londyn that we will have a few more days with Zoe and then she is going to live with our Heavenly Father. I told her that we would all miss Zoe and that it is okay to miss her, but she will be happy in heaven and we will see her again someday. Londyn was quiet for a few seconds and then said very softly, "I'm going to miss Zoe so much, Mom." Lulu is only 3 years old and I know she can't fully understand all of this, but I know that she is feeling sad. Yesterday, we did hand and foot prints as a family. Londyn loved the idea of doing a craft project with her sister. After we got home late last night, we were tucking Lulu in for bed and she popped up and said, "I want my picture I made with Zoe on my wall." Andrew put it up on her wall and she got out of bed and looked at it for a few moments. She smiled and was then able to go to bed. My heart hurts for Londyn as she has always loved her sister. She always wants to show Zoe her freshly painted nails or pictures she has drawn. Often times when she is doing something fun, she says "Zoe is going to do this with me when she gets bigger." I hope and pray that her heart will heal along with ours and that she will never forget her baby sister.
We also had Chelle from Momentoes come in and do castings of Zoe's hands and feet. It was such a beautiful experience to watch her preserve every little detail about her tiny fingers and toes. I will cherish this special keepsake forever.
Another special moment was when we got to hold Zoe for the first time in 6 days. Scooping our little angel up in our arms was a little piece of heaven. It felt so warm and familiar.
I asked our nurse Erika if it would be possible for them to move Zoe from a crib to a bed, so we could snuggle up and sleep with her. Without difficulty, it was done. Since yesterday, we have been able to feel her breathe... smell her skin and hold her close to our bodies, as if we were at home in our own bed.
Many tearful visits.
{My nieces: Megan, Kaylee, Jen & Samantha}
{Nieces & Nephew: Kayla, Kamry, Mary, Emma & Kyler}
Each one of these tender hearted kiddos wrote Zoe a letter. Each one brought tears to my eyes. They also played this song and said it has always reminded them of Zoe.
{Uncle Todd}
{Dr. Flath, the OB and family friend who delivered our sweet Zoe}
Andrew's mom composes a beautiful piano piece for each grandchild and last night we crawled into bed and listened to Zoe's song. It starts out so sweet and fragile, just like Zoe. It then works up to a deep and strong middle... which reminded me of the struggle and pain that Zoe has suffered. The song then finishes with a beautiful and almost heavenly ending. We both shed many tears from beginning to end, followed by peace in knowing that she is ready. She is ready now.
In a couple of days, we will let our angel Zoe Grace get her wings. She will return to the arms of our Father in Heaven and finally be at peace, once again.
Our family has been blessed by the kind thoughts and prayers of many, all over the world. Zoe has touched so many lives and we are grateful to have been a part of her miraculous journey.