T Minus 16

I have so much going on in this head of mine right now and the only possible way I will get any sleep tonight is to blurt it all out.  So after much procrastination... I must blog.

December is my most favorite time of the year.  I just love the magic of the holidays that fills people's hearts and reminds us that there is good on this earth.  Gift giving is my all time favorite part of Christmas.  It isn't the receiving, nor is it the money spent.  Rather the building up of a grand reveal and then the look on their face.  It's priceless.

Over the past few years, this specific month has been repeatedly difficult.  December 1st, 2011 was the day that we met who would be the single most important doctor in our lives over the next 11 months, our beloved cardiologist Dr. King.  It was that day that Zoe's Congenital Heart Defect was confirmed, options were given to us, terms like "quality of life" and percentages were uttered.  We left a large part of our innocence as parents and human beings in that office that day.  

December 2012 was surprisingly enjoyable at times and excruciating at others.  Zoe had died just 3 months prior and we were doing our best to shower Londyn with love and having just started Andrew's big-boy job, we were showering her with presents too.  We didn't hold back with the decorating, a large noble fir in our little townhouse and anything else we could do to fill the sadness in our hearts.  

And December 2013... is nothing short of another incline in the emotional roller coaster that has been our lives.  About a month ago, my Birth Mother whom I had searched/found 3 years ago decided that she couldn't wait for me to come to Korea anymore and was coming here.  It was a normal Tuesday night in the Armitage abode... Lulu and I were snuggling on the couch with a show, while I was getting some work done on the computer.  I get a call from a random and unusually long phone number.  Not once, but three times in a row.  By the fourth time, I had a feeling that it was her.  I answered and it was a lovely young woman calling on behalf of my Birth Mom and Birth Uncle... who she said were sitting right next to her.  Up until this point, all communication had been via e-mail and snail mail.  This was the closest to speaking to her directly that I had ever been.  It was hands down the most awkward and unusual phone conversation that I have ever had.  It all happened so quickly and then just like that, I found myself on the phone with my Birth Mother.  Hearing her voice was one of the strangest moments I have ever experienced.  I couldn't understand what she was saying, but I could hardly believe that I was communicating in real time with the woman that I was a part of for 9 months and that gave birth to me.  After what felt like an eternity of silence, the translator came back on the phone and told me that my Birth Mother was coming here on December 8th.  Here, meaning little old Sherwood, Oregon to meet the daughter that she relinquished 27 years ago.  This reunion had been in the works for years but with life doing what it does best... throwing us for a loop, timing just hadn't been right.  Up until this phone call, I still didn't feel like it was the right time to meet and with great hesitation, I expressed those feeling to the translator.  I heard a short conversation in the background and then she came back on the phone to tell me that my BM didn't want to wait any longer and was coming December 8th.  So there you have it.  My first experience with my Korean mother and I was already overruled.  

In about 16 hours, a woman that I know just as well as the sales clerk at Target, will walk off an airplane and refer to me as her daughter.  My life will change in 16 hours and it is completely out of my control.  I like control.  I like a plan... especially my own plan.  I like knowing what to expect and being prepared.  I like organization and things that just make sense... on paper and in life.  Over the past three years my life has had very little of all of these things. I suppose this is Heavenly Father telling me to let go and trust in Him.  Trust in His plan and not my own.  This lesson seems to be tied up in a pretty little package and although I am a changed and better woman with my adversities, some days I wish that enough was enough and maybe, just maybe there was a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, waiting for me somewhere.  Just a tiny little break from this exhausting roller coaster?  Is that too much to ask?

I wish I could say that going into this reunion I don't have any hesitation or resentment.  I have prayed so hard to just let it all go.  But the questions... the how's and why's continue to creep in. Lately, curiosity and intrigue have led people to ask questions about my "Mother" and my "Real Mom."  This is by far one of my greatest pet peeves that just rubs me the wrong way.  Maybe it's the nature of the situation and the anxiety of meeting my Korean mother, but when people ask "Are you excited to meet your real mom?" or "So when is your mom coming to visit?"  To clarify and confirm to the greater blogosphere, this woman is not my mother.  My mother is the woman that carried and continues to grieve the loss of 7 sweet babies before opening her heart to adoption and to me.  My mother is the woman that spent hours driving me to dance classes, helped me with campaign posters and speeches, excused me from school for "Mental Health Days" AKA retail therapy and the Nordstrom's Cafe.  My mother is the woman that continues to love me despite all of my faults and is my cheerleader and friend.  That is the woman who I honor as my Mother.  

I may resemble the woman that I will meet tomorrow and I am grateful that she gave me the chance to be with what I refer to as my family, the only one that I have ever known.  But this relationship cannot be forced, nor expected.  I have questions and I hope to find answers.  

My hope is that we can get to know each other, language/culture barrier and all.  But my prayer?  

My prayer is for peace.  Peace in both of our hearts.   


Cade and Kelsie said...

Praying for and thinking of you! Hope you both find peace!

Racquel Waldo said...

Also being adopted, I totally get where you're coming from here with the whole "real mom" scenario. It's always rubbed me the wrong way too. You explain it beautifully though, and I agree that peace is one of the greatest wishes for anyone in this situation. Wish you all the best that you can find that and have a good visit with your newest biological family!

Kelly(M&M) said...

Thinking of you Kacie. What a beautiful tribute to Diana. I hope you were able to truly enjoy your visit with your biological mom.