I have been checking off items on my lengthy to-do list today and hoped my plans of remaining overly occupied would keep me from facing this week.
The week that marks an entire year without a piece of my heart.
I was doing really well until Londyn said something today that really got to me. I have been selling some of my old clothes over the past few days and this morning she tells me "we should sell all of the baby stuff." I asked why and she said "because Zoe isn't coming back." I was speechless. Those five words out of my 4 year olds mouth hit me like a ton of bricks.
At that moment, I had to choose to be Zoe's grieving mother or Londyn's nurturing mother. Most days I can juggle both but at that moment, it took every ounce of my emotional strength to hold back the tears, put my pain aside and talk to her about where her sister is, what she is doing and when we will see her again. We talked about why I would miss all of the "baby stuff" because we have special memories with Zoe and those things. She said "I miss Zoe and would miss her things too."
As much as we would like parenting to come with a manual, neither does grief.
One day at a time.
And when that doesn't work, my sweet friend Hanna says "sometimes all we can do is get through 5 minutes at a time."
Taken one year ago today.
August 26, 2012