My Baby


When choosing names, we had several girl names that we really liked... but once we found out it was a girl, there was no question.  Her name is Zoe.  Not only do I love how short, sweet and fun the name Zoe is... it is of Greek origin, meaning Life.  I can't think of a name more fitting for a little girl whose life is already so precious and divine.

Last Sunday, a family in our ward brought their 4 day old baby girl to church for the first time.  As I was sitting quietly in our pew waiting for the service to begin, I was mesmerized by the sight of this husband and wife, with their new baby.  I leaned into Andrew and started to cry.  Don't get me wrong, I was so happy for them, but it was hard to witness a moment that will not be so easy for us.  I have tried so hard to be hopeful and positive about what is to come for baby Zoe, but it is a constant struggle.  I know that the normalcy of bringing a new baby home from the hospital just a few days after delivery, being overwhelmed and woken up multiple times during the night... family visiting to see the new baby and then showing her off in church will not be the case for us.  Seeing that healthy new baby at church brought me joy and sadness all at the same time.

I had another appointment with Dr. Flath (OB) this last Thursday.  Last time we brought Lulu and she was so restless that Andrew could barely even concentrate, so I decided to go by myself this time.  Here were the questions and answers and I wanted at this appointment:

Q: Andrew starts school two weeks before our due date, is there any way we can have the baby sooner so he can be more available during my c-section and baby's first surgery?
A: We want baby to be as developed and strong as possible for birth and her first surgery, so having the baby earlier than 39 weeks would be out of the question, unless an emergency requires it.  We will tentatively schedule the c-section for Monday, April 9th as we still need to coordinate schedules with Dr. King (Pediatric Cardiologist) for her first heart surgery.

Q: What will happen after the baby is born?
A: Baby will be taken to the NICU right away.

Q: When will I get to see my baby?
A: In the NICU after recovery from the c-section.

Q: When will I be able to hold her?
A: Mostly likely not while in the NICU... which will be from the time of birth to recovery after her first surgery.

The last question was the cause of my tears the entire drive home... I am starting to dread each appointment.  Overall, more answers will come after meeting with our Pediatric Cardiologist and Perinatologist at our appointment next Thursday.

Rarely do I ever remember my dreams beyond a few minutes after I wake up, but I had a dream a few nights ago that I just can't get off my mind.  The details are fuzzy but here it goes...  Andrew and I were in what seemed like a foreign country.   It was chaos and the streets were covered with people.  I was searching the streets and finally found our baby Zoe in a crib.  She was so tiny and her big beautiful eyes looked straight up at mine.  She smiled the instant she saw me.  I grabbed her in my arms but for some reason I wasn't allowed to take her with me.  I ran to find Andrew and told him about her.  I was so excited for him to see her.  I told him she was so small but had hair as long and curly as Londyn.  When we went back to see her, she was still there with her big brown eyes and big smile.  We both just snuggled her.  We returned for days just to hold her and be near her.  I had so much love for her and it was painful to leave her each time.

And then... I woke up.

I don't know if this dream was just a reflection of the fear I have for being away from my baby in the hospital... but I can't stop thinking about it.  It sounds crazy, but it feels like I really saw her and held her.  She isn't even born yet and I already miss her.

Maybe it's just all the hormones...


Nicole Heiner said...

oh man, i feel for you! I remember before anna that I would look at couples with new babies and cry - mostly out of fear - how I am going to do that?! I can't imagine how much emotion you are having to hold in day to day. you always seem to put together to me! I had nightmares about anna before she was born - always that I had forgotten to feed her and she was starving. (the things dietitians dream about). Luckily i never forgot to feed her in real life. I'm sure real life will be so much better than your dreams!

rlmquest said...

I had a beautiful dream about Kyler right before we found out he was a boy. I held him and felt so much love for him. When /I woke the words in my mind were "My beautiful baby boy". I didn't even know he was a boy at that point. A week later we found out he was indeed a he...but I had already felt his beautiful little spirit in my dream. When he was born and placed in my arms...it was like my dream all over again! I believe his little spirit visited me in my dream.