12.05.2011

Fear

It has been 6 days since we received the news that will change the course of our family's future for the rest of our lives.  When you go in for your 20 week ultrasound, the most you are usually concerned about is whether you will be welcoming a baby girl or boy into the world.  I never expected to hear the near paralyzing news that we received last Thursday.

The most common question has been, "so how are you really doing?"  My standard answer is "we're doing okay, pretty good... as well as can be expected."  It is so hard to answer this question.  How am I really doing?  I don't know.  I am all over the place... mentally and emotionally.  In one sense, I am grateful that our baby is okay at this very moment in time.  He/she is protected and cared for in my belly.  I am doing everything I possibly can for this baby right now.  On the other hand, I am terrified.  When we first found out we were pregnant, my biggest fear was another labor and delivery gone wrong.  Giving birth to Londyn was the most physically trying event in my life thus far and doing that all over again has been weighing on me for the last 5 months.  Now, the delivery is the least of my concerns.  We have so many doctors on our side that I am without a doubt confident that the birth of our precious baby will be in the best of hands.

The most difficult part of all of this is fear of the unknown.  I fear the moment when after the birth, they whisk my baby away to the NICU to receive the necessary medicine needed to keep our baby's heart functioning.  I fear the moment when they release me from the hospital and I am forced to return home empty-handed... no newborn baby swaddled in the newly installed car seat.  I fear sleeping in my bed for the first time without a baby in my belly or waking up to a baby needing me every 2 hours to be fed and comforted.  I fear how we will juggle all of the many visits to the hospital to see our baby fight for his/her life.  I fear for that first surgery on our tiny baby's heart... waiting and waiting to know if the procedure was successful.  I fear for all of the fear.  At times it is just too overwhelming and all I can hold onto is "normal".  Normal is tucking our little girl in at night and singing Jingle Bells over and over again upon request.  Normal is snuggling on the couch with your husband, belly laughing while watching The Conan Show.  Normal is arguing with my two year old in the car because she says "no home, mama... I go shopping!"  Normal is feeling the tender kicks of our baby and knowing he/she is full of life.  I have never cherished normal more than I do now.

The first two days following our appointment- I alternated from laying on the couch or in bed sobbing.  I would alternate feeling strong and empowered one minute, to fragile and completely out of control the next.  I didn't even acknowledge the frequent calls and e-mails of concern and support.  All I wanted was to be with my husband and daughter.

Andrew has been such a strength to me.  Even though he is grieving too, he is always comforting me and making me feel better.  On Sunday, we decided to fast and I was so dead set on fasting that I planned to fast for the full two meals.  He wasn't having that, so when I came downstairs after taking a nap- he had made me lunch and was not expecting anything less than for me to eat it all.  I obeyed and was grateful because there was no way I could or should have waited until 5pm to eat.  Our baby needs all the nutrition he/she can get from me.

As for Londyn, I have always known that Heavenly Father sent her sweet and sassy little spirit to me for a reason, but it is times like these that I am so thankful for her innocence and love for life.  She makes me want to get out of bed and experience the world through her eyes, even when I feel like doing the very opposite.  She makes me smile, when all I feel like doing is crawling up in a ball and crying.  I have always known that her middle name "Joy" was inspired, because she brings joy to everyone and everything in this world.

This is the beginning of a journey.  A journey through the many tests and trials of life on this earth.  At this point, I have no choice but to rely on my Father in Heaven.  Our family has to get through this and without Him, there is no other way.  I will continue to pray, take care of this baby and love my family.  That is all I can do for now.

7 comments:

Amber said...

Kacie--

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and faithful perspective. We will keep you in our prayers!

rlmquest said...

This post was beautiful Kace. It shows your faith and fortitude. We love you and your precious family. We already love this baby and can't wait to find out if it is a little boy or little girl! You know I am hoping for a little boy. Kyler and him would be such good buddies!!! A little girl would be great too....Kyler just loves Londyn! When the baby comes I want to be at the top of your list for watching Londyn during your hospital visits! I also want to bring you dinner once a week during that time. With so many family and friends you will be well taken care of so that you can focus on baby!

The Porters said...

Kacie-
I admire you for the strength you have shown me as long has I have known you. You are simply amazing!! With that being said, I just want you to know that we will continue to have your family in our prayers and thoughts. And just remember that the Lord loves you and would never give you something that you could not handle. He hurts when you hurt and he knows the fear and worries in your heart and mind. Stay close to him and you can overcome anything. I sure love you and always hope for the best for you!

Richard and Nicole said...

Kacie -

You are such a strong woman. This baby was meant to come to you! You are so spiritually equipped to handle this!

Did Londyn really say no home - i go shopping? That is hilarious.

x's and o's! You better post the baby's sex on christmas cuz we'll be watching!!

Meredith said...

Kacie,

Thank you for sharing your real feelings. It was so touching to read about your thoughts. You have such a wonderful family. I know they will take care of you. Wishing you and Andrew only the best! Lots of Love, Meredith

Meredith said...

Kacie,

Thank you for sharing your real thoughts and feelings. Reading that was very touching and moving. We just love you guys and wish you only the best. Love the Anderson's

Breea Heiner said...

Kacie-

I don't know you but read your blog because it is uplifting and linked to my sister-in-law's blog (Nicole Buhler). Anyway, I have a very good friend whose son has HLHS, he is 7 1/2 and great, so I thought if you were interested in talking to someone who has done something similar you could talk to her. Let me know if you are interested, I really hope I'm not overstepping here, I have just been thinking about it.
Breea breeaheiner(at)gmail(dot)com