Also Known As...

After my most recent post on adoption I haven't been able to stop researching my options and thinking about the possibility of finding my birth family.

I have a few basic documents that were given to me by my mom, but I wanted every possible record in my parents' files that I might need in order to begin my search. Yesterday was the first time I looked through most of the files and was surprised to find one that I definitely hadn't seen before.

This particular document gave me some very valuable information. For one, I found out that my birth mother was 33 years old and my birth father was 40 years old when I was born. I also found out that I was born at 1:30pm and weighed 7 lbs. 7 oz. The most surprising find was that my name Hyo Eun Kim was not given to me by my birth parents but given to me by my Korean social worker. Now to some this may be an insignificant piece of knowledge, but to me... this fact was devastating.

I have never gone by, nor used my Korean name but deep inside I have always felt a kinship with it's significance because I thought it was the one piece of the overwhelming puzzle that linked me to my roots.

I have never felt Korean, Asian or any connection with my ancestry. But Hyo Eun Kim was a connection on paper and in history that I thought was of value to my birth family. At first, when I told Andrew about my discovery... I was so upset and feeling those same feelings of abandonment. He held me and explained how difficult it must have been for my birth parents to place me for adoption and that giving me a name would probably make it even more painful to do so.

A day later... I am realizing that the negative thoughts and feelings I have been mulling over are not of God and are most definitely from the adversary. I have to remember clearly the blessings that I have received from my adoption and where my life has led through faith from not only my parents and I but my birth parents as well. The adversary wants me to feel worthless and weak.

It amazes me how I could feel so strongly about finding my birth family one day and within 24 hours, be so unsure. As for now, I am just grateful for my adoptive family and especially my husband and daughter for the belonging and unconditional love that they give me. I'm starting to warm up to the idea that it's okay if I don't find them and I will be okay if I don't find them. They gave me a gift that is of more value than any other. The comfort in knowing I am loved is what gets me through this process. This one document was eye opening and I realize that I am not ready to find out any more beyond the information I already have. Maybe someday I will re-open the files, but for now I am happy with things just the way they are.


Erin said...

You were such a beautiful baby, and you still are! I love you just the way you are. Things will work out the way they are supposed to. So don't force it. Lunch soon. Ok?

rlmquest said...

Walk tall You are a beautiful daughter of God- I know that is what you teach your YW. Before your adoptive parents there was your biological parents and before them there was heaven and your heavenly parents. We all have the same beginnings. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you!

I am glad that I have been adopted into your earthly family, too.

M said...

I LOVED reading this and your other post about adoption. This is very powerful for me, obviously. Keep writing about adoption! I am so grateful for open adoptions and all they have added to our family. I am so sorry about your sadness and frustration of not knowing all your history -- and learning hard things after all these years. Reading this makes me so sad for you. However, I love your attitude. You ARE loved. You already know how much your parents ached for you and knowing that is such a gift. You and I ought to talk sometime. I want to share some of my feelings about adoption with you, and I'd love to hear yours. I think your perspective could really help me be the best parent possible. Good luck on your journey!

Zach, Megan and Skyli said...

Kaci, I think you're amazing! You are a very strong woman. I think you have a great attitude about this. I'm sorry for your frustrations. I just wanted you to know that I think you're amazing and I miss you!