Since our little scare in the hospital a few weeks ago, I have had two OB exams and ultrasounds to closely monitor Zoe's heart rate and amniotic fluid levels. Good news! Fluid levels are still low but stable and her heart rate is right where it's supposed to be.
As much as I have anticipated her arrival, the time is coming quickly and I'm not so sure anymore. No more appointments, ultrasounds, peeing in a cup or facing the rigged scales in doctors offices. I have felt so much comfort with our situation up until this last weekend... when reality set in. All weekend, I just kept thinking "this is the last time it will be just us three... this is our last weekend of normalcy... this is the last... this is the last... this is the last..."
Most people don't know, but I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. It's a battle that I have learned to contain with medication, time and knowing what I can and can't handle. My greatest support with this is my husband. I have found a huge decrease in my anxiety since marrying him. Throughout this pregnancy and learning about Zoe's condition, one can only imagine how my anxiety has really been tested. But as opposed to the past, where I have hid from my trials, I am learning to really rely on Andrew, family and friends, my Savior and Father in Heaven. It isn't easy, but it is how God intended it to be. Last night, it really hit me that this was all happening... and happening soon. It hit me that I was going to have surgery, that I was going to be away from Londyn for the longest I've ever been, that Zoe would be here and answers were going to be discovered... good or bad, that hard times are just beginning and most of all, change... my ever-dreaded word. Change... is going to occur.
I laid in bed last night stirring and working myself up. I finally told Andrew that I am terrified for this week. He knew. Instead of telling me everything was going to be fine and not to worry, he just held my hand until we fell asleep. Really and truly, that's all I needed. The reality is... everything might not be fine, and I have every right to worry. But we have each other and so many others that love and support us. If I let this fear take over, how will I be the mother and wife that my family needs? Fear is a plague that consumes you if you let it... and quite honestly, I don't think my mental health can afford it. Andrew, Londyn and Zoe all need me and I need them. So here it goes... I am going to be my best self and get through each day, hour and minute... the best that I can. I have decided to throw all expectations out the window. My hope and faith will not go with it. This is the time to trust in Jesus Christ, our doctors and the strong little girl that I know Zoe is going to be. This is the time to pray and never stop. This is that time.
On Wednesday, April 11th... about 41 hours from now, we will check into Labor & Delivery at Legacy Emanuel Hospital at 5:30am and my c-section will follow as scheduled at 7:30am. Soon after Zoe is born, she will be started on Prostaglandin, which is the medication needed to keep the patent ductus arteriosus open... meaning blood will be allowed to flow to the body through the right ventricle. To the best of my knowledge, I will recover in the Birth Center for 4-5 days and Zoe will stay just down the hall in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Dr. King, our Pediatric Cardiologist will evaluate her condition and then determine when her first of at least three surgeries will take place. He estimates that surgery will most likely be scheduled this Friday or next Monday depending on her response to the temporary medication and all of the many other factors involved.
We are so blessed to have all of your prayers for our family. Miracles are already taking place because of the love that we have received from family, friends and even kind individuals who we don't know, but have heard our story. Our Bishop has invited our ward to hold a special fast for us on Tuesday. I cannot even express the amount of gratitude I have for our ward family and their service and sacrifice through this entire journey. All I can say is thank you and we love you all.