Post Surgery: Day 9 & 10

Sunday and Monday were gorgeous days here in Oregon.  High 70's - 80 degree weather!  Andrew and I dropped Lulu off at church to go to her Nursery class with Gma Milne and then we headed to the hospital.  It was such a perfect day with Zoe.  We spent 5 hours holding and cuddling our sweet 11 day old baby girl.  She was alert, chatty and even took 10 mils of breast milk for me out of a bottle.  It was hard for me to leave her after such a great day, but we missed our Lulu and wanted to get home to her so we could soak up what was left of the sunshine.

After picking up Londyn from Gma & Gpa Milne's, we went home and took her to the park near our house.  She is constantly begging to go to the park, but I am always telling her "It's raining and the park is yucky... we can go to the park when it is dry and sunny!"  After riding her pink trike to the park, we got to play with the cutest toddler on this earth!  She is so full of life and love... how can you not be happy when she is around?  

It was so surreal to play with her at the park, like we have done so many times before.  This time we have a tiny newborn with a broken heart in the hospital... fighting to work with what she's got.  Here we were, pushing Lulu on the swing... tickling, laughing... going down the slide together and helping her along the monkey bars.  In the back of my head, I couldn't help but feel guilty for enjoying such a family moment when our little heart baby was not with us.  That same feeling is a constant battle that I face every moment of every day, because when I am with Zoe... I miss Lulu and when I'm with Londyn, I'm terrified and worried sick about Zoe.  

I am going to remember these feelings when we are finally home together as a family again and I haven't had more than a few hours of sleep, my house looks like it's been ransacked and robbed... there's nothing but mac n' cheese or cereal to eat and splashing water on my face is the closest to a shower that I've had in who know's how long.  I will force myself to vividly remember that it could be so much more difficult and that not that long ago, we were divided between home, hospital, in and out of 4 different hospital rooms on various floors and back and forth, between kids.