After picking up Londyn from Gma & Gpa Milne's, we went home and took her to the park near our house. She is constantly begging to go to the park, but I am always telling her "It's raining and the park is yucky... we can go to the park when it is dry and sunny!" After riding her pink trike to the park, we got to play with the cutest toddler on this earth! She is so full of life and love... how can you not be happy when she is around?
It was so surreal to play with her at the park, like we have done so many times before. This time we have a tiny newborn with a broken heart in the hospital... fighting to work with what she's got. Here we were, pushing Lulu on the swing... tickling, laughing... going down the slide together and helping her along the monkey bars. In the back of my head, I couldn't help but feel guilty for enjoying such a family moment when our little heart baby was not with us. That same feeling is a constant battle that I face every moment of every day, because when I am with Zoe... I miss Lulu and when I'm with Londyn, I'm terrified and worried sick about Zoe.
I am going to remember these feelings when we are finally home together as a family again and I haven't had more than a few hours of sleep, my house looks like it's been ransacked and robbed... there's nothing but mac n' cheese or cereal to eat and splashing water on my face is the closest to a shower that I've had in who know's how long. I will force myself to vividly remember that it could be so much more difficult and that not that long ago, we were divided between home, hospital, in and out of 4 different hospital rooms on various floors and back and forth, between kids.